my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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