Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
