peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
