My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
