Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
