when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
