When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
