and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
