bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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