dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
