Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
