she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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