And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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