I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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