remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
