Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
