Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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