The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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