Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
