We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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