Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
