Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Randomize
