I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
