Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
