i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize