When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
