Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Randomize