Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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