The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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