just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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