My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Randomize
