you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
