I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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