someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
