Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The feeling are messing with the penis
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
