my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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