So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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