why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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