I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize