so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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