even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
