What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
