Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
