Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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