I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
