we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
