so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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