Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The best revenge is premature balding
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
