My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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