Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
