Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
