The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
