just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
