So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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