Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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