I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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