I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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