my phone needs a breathalizer
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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