If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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