Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Moan for me like Helen Keller
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
