My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
40s are totally the cure
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
